ce que je sais

Here Now, You can find me Here, Now

2009-09-26T23:40:00.002-04:00

New Stuff
New Stuff
Find new stuff here!

You will love, yeah?

bey

Forward!

2009-03-02T22:45:00.008-05:00

We move forward.

Kapisanan Philippine Centre's pilot program CLUTCH: in the papers. http://www.snapdowntowntoronto.com/display/83357/1467/
That's the article in SNAP! Downtown Toronto. A journalist and photog visited opening night of OPEN FIRE: the Debut. They interviewed the Debutantes and showcased our faces and our works in their paper! On top of that they wrote kind kind words about us in the article. Thanks SNAP!

CLUTCH is also in video format: http://vimeo.com/3432008. This video was edited by the lovable Michelle Turingan (www.kidkulit.com). Check us out!

Then we gots my play "Sana" in the Carlos Bulosan Theatre's Flipside Festival (Feb 26-Mar 1), which was at Theatre Passe Muraille this past weekend, with 2 staged readings. I also got to perform (after a while of no-performing) in Myk Miranda's "His Story." For that -- my face was in NOW magazine. *The picture is not in the online version of the Feb 25-Mar 4 issue. Nonetheless, I was pretty excited. Yeah, yeah, I'm a nerd.

What do I have to say? Thank you, merci, salamat. Je suis tres contente de tout ca. C'est trop. Ca me rends tres joyeuse!

So much love. I'm very glad. These opportunities were invaluable to my growth as a person, an artist, a being.
Me sitting in the middle of "Debutante Diaries"
Interactive Mixed-Media Installation
(Books, writing, binding; Music, singing, recording;
Set-up, design, concept; Choice, tool, art).
*photo courtesy of SNAP! photography

I centered the idea around a character, a 17-yr-old Filipina, living her debutante years in the 70's in small-town upbringings. I divided a short story I penned for the installation into three books/journals. The audience was able to write into the books I had created, to rummage through the drawers of the vanity dresser, play the tape player, type on my (now-jammed) typewriter, strike chords on my Fender. The audience also succeeded in breaking my 1) typewriter [jammed keys], and 2) the glass in one of the frames I used. Too too bad. Next time, more caution. Not bad for my first time, I'd say. Congratulations to all the 'Debutantes' (what we were calling the 9 artists) for a wonderful job which truly amazed the audience!

Between CLUTCH and CBT, I've learned a lot and surely will keep many of the unspoken lessons that passed between words and gestures. In sum, I know I've "outed" myself, as one mentor would say. I can't hide behind my cute-girl-who-gives-great-cut-eye persona any longer. I can't pretend I am noticing so little when I have already stored so much away in my brain for later analysis. I've brought it out. That's probably why I'm so damn happy. I'm incredibly relieved, in a sense, that most everyone who matters to me now knows. It is sheer elation. My heart sings.

Now what? Now we keep going. We better ourselves. I'm gonna keep sitting on my new comfy mattress and let life wash over me, until tomorrow.
Now we improve, we leave the past behind, we learn from it, we thank it and recognize it. We let it shape us, but not govern us.
Now we are here. We are here, standing in what is presented to us, surmounting what we present to others.

Happy living!

*a very happy BP

New

2009-01-03T16:56:00.002-05:00

Exciting and memorable. Free free free.

Everyone gets excited when the New Year comes around. No, not you? Stop pretending!! No doubt you feel relief, at least, that the previous year has come to an end, and you get to do more, do better, and do new.

As for me, I'm going to do a mix: of old, new, and what's-to-come. But isn't 'new' and 'what's-to-come' the same thing? Not in my books.

I'm keeping my glasses ON. Time to re-focus, re-identify. Words are easy, especially in the blogosphere. I'll come through with things concrete and bound. I'm going to stop pretending now. Stop playing like I 'don't know,' 'I'm not sure,' 'I haven't thought about it yet.' UNLESS I ACTUALLY TRUTHFULLY FEEL THAT WAY, I won't say it.

I know now that it's the littlest things which make the greatest differences. Believe it or not, those wee babies matter.

So keep on, keep on. Do what makes you feel RIGHT; it's your go.

2008-12-08T23:41:00.003-05:00

Ca me gene. Je ne sais pas - non - je ne veux pas dire pourquoi. Je sais la raison, it's more like I don't really want to acknowledge it. I'm avoiding it so maybe it won't be true.

You ever do that?

Y-a-t'il quelqu'un qui voudrais m'ecouter? This is me, candid, in this one line here.

Shiza. Merde merde merde.

Bring me back to Dreamtime.

Whirlwinds from the Sky

2008-12-07T12:24:00.002-05:00

Brilliant sunshine surrounds me
as I am cozy in a blanket red

I wrote the first draft of my play, it's the first play I have written a) since high school, b) without direct involvement from the soothemysisters collective, c) which will be mounted outside of the Sears Drama Festival.

Moments of doubt always whirlwind around me. I have to find an 'inner push' to propel me to make a decision, take a stand, pick a side, and just work with it until it doesn't work with me any longer.

Dust has collected outside of the nooks and crannies of my room. Mid-exam, pre-winter hibernation, pre-CLUTCH Final Exhibit Madness, post-first draft of play CRAZE is me.

a death

2008-11-20T02:08:00.002-05:00

2:08 am
What else is the world of Toronto doing beneath this slow snowstorm? Hmm, it's a bit dreamy. The glorious white makes most sparkly.

It's time to inspire myself, and watch as inspiration unfolds before my eyes. I need to SEE the world, SEE things, PAY ATTENTION. If I am only going through the motions, I need to stop and think about why I am doing that which I'm doing.

I've been far too reasonable and scared, too. I can't be like that forever, for the rest of my life. I will be open and unreasonable, willing because I am worthy of receiving.

Breathe in this new, cold, crisp air.

It is time for things that need burying to die. Of course I am being very figurative. But let the dead die, let the dead die with this winter, with this first snowfall. Now! Now! Let it happen now.

Dreamtime.

On se prepare.

2008-11-10T21:19:00.000-05:00

I don’t want them to know that this is how I feel that this is what I do when they aren’t looking
I don’t want them to know that I’m never enough that I am inadequate that I’m scared
Half the time I don’t know what I’m doing I don’t know what it is I want
Most of the time I can’t make up my mind I can’t seem to place one foot secure one foot
And all the time I can’t stop being this way I can’t stop being this way All the time

2008-10-22T21:57:00.003-04:00

I need to find suh'in
Suh'in to make me run
that makes me crazed
that I can't get enough of
that I'll work through broken bones for
I'll eat four hours later
Sleep never

Maybe I just need to find it again

Courez!

2008-10-21T13:54:00.000-04:00

L'heure est folle je le sais et je le pratique La vie est belle elle est douce est dure est beaucoup plus delaquelle que nous en demandons

J'ai de petits pieds fatigués Ils ont marche trop Dans des rues pleines des réponses qu'on ne cherchait pas Ils ont marché, couru au même vitesse que les coeurs battent.

Dans des villes des peuples qu'on ne savait pas

Mes petits pieds n'ont pas arretés
Ils continuent

~Sept 20/08

Just some random French Free Association Writing. Missing my French Practical course, so I thought I'd do something to make up for it.
October doesn't like me. I need a break, and I don't know where to get it, so I have to make up breaks, make up days off. I'm being a big baby. But I'm grown up most of the time, so it's ok, right?
End soon, October. Cos we don't get along.

Off to find some goodness in days full of that which is not!

entitle me not

2008-10-13T22:26:00.004-04:00

So now I write, though no one will see, even if no one will read this. I simply write. Because. Because I can. Because I am able.

We barely understood, we lay mournful
Agitated Aggravated
Seekers of solace surrendering strength
Sighing
To slip into Spring-like stupor

Finding few forgivable faults
From fears of faithful followers
To fix

We lay consumed
Intertwined into incomprehensible ideas
Inconsistent images of idyllic -isms
This was our world
Have we escaped?

wish

2008-10-08T02:14:00.003-04:00

You wouldn't understand me now Not now when it's been so, maybe too, long Absences harvest alienation What would it be like if we see each other vis-a-vis? Que se passera-t-il? How are you? How do you do? Who are you? I conjure episodes of me and you having a chat Just talking In my mind it's safe to have you there I can anticipate what's to come coz I'm making it up Can you read just how much you are missed? I am missing you and I write sad empty hopeful broken tired dreamed up words sending them out to the universe cos maybe you'll hear me.

2008-10-08T02:13:00.000-04:00

Big deal.

v ou f?

2008-10-08T02:08:00.002-04:00

Barely honest
Words mendacious
They spoke
Things unintentional
Things irrational
Inappropriately true
They told the stories
They had saved up
From pent up
Rage and fury
From years and times
Of unbearable
Misgivings
Out came streams
Of half-truths and
Untruths unworthy
Of thought

2008-10-01T12:31:00.000-04:00

There is a reason for these phenomena.

This is sadness

2008-09-24T22:46:00.002-04:00

Is there a way to know
What's going to be
When I have stopped
And you have not
When you have continued on
And I am left behind
When we are all left after you have gone
What is to be
What am I supposed to ask then?

~ Sept 24

What I See: Post 1

2008-09-20T21:13:00.003-04:00

The dogs are lazy today
The sun is unexpectedly
briliant in the end
of September
We are surprised
I am out of sorts
Cause one: fatigue
Cause two: heartache
I look up and find
I look out to find des
Entieres que manquent
des pieces de la vie
De leurs vies a eux
Donc quoi faire?
The dogs are lazy
They will not move
They have lain down
On concrete grey
brightened with sunlight
Hearts ache for some
light to show them
Answers to things
They don't know
the questions for

2008-09-15T22:50:00.002-04:00

My eyes have been betraying me lately. They let the fatigue come to the surface but I'm not that tired. I'm OK. I can still keep going. Really.

What do you do when your eyes betray you? When your body tells you to slow down? But you haven't really started. It's all already overwhelmed but you haven't done anything, you haven't gone anywhere. What's going to happen? My eyes are traitors. They call for sleep and my brain wants quiet.

Hmm...

Long days are good when they are busy and prepared for in advance. But when it's the opposite... it sucks.

I'll post something more poetic soon. Quand j'ai besoin d'une pause de tous les materiaux francais.

c'est bien

2008-09-09T22:55:00.002-04:00

School is it.
Pseudo-crushes abound. Inflating them is a pastime!
It is school, work, and arts+creativity+culture.
Time is saved for necessities.
Same goes with the cheddah.
Goals in mind!

Such is life from here on in.

2008-09-05T13:39:00.002-04:00

Nerves on end of lines long worn with worry
Fighting for a belief in sunny days clouds away
Rainfor the next year and a day they encounter
Inching closer towards letting go nerves unable
to ... they don't know how ... they have forgotten how

~19 Aug 2008; free association writing; this is how it appears in my notebook

i know you miss me

2008-09-02T03:13:00.002-04:00

Sleepless thoughts are away too it's strange since I've been pre-occupied I guess that's what happens when you don't let your mind take over You kind of just let your own heart do the thinking
It's nice to say that I can finally cast you away
Can't say something's gone until it's not in the universe anymore
Mmm but I had my time with that already
I didn't want to, didn't want it to continue
"Just start begging for me already," was what one good friend said jokingly, pretending to be the perdant of my affection. But I know you miss me. I feel that. Truly. And you can't lie about it either. And if we're gonna talk about being honest, I miss you too. Or maybe just what was. Could be that's all you miss too. I miss the affection. I miss your affection. That's how honest I'm gonna be. At least I'll be honest with me, if YOU can't be honest with me.

We were really cool on paper. Did you know that? Because it seemed everything that I thought to be what I wanted was visible... sorta ... in you. And I hate that you're the subject of most of my writing lately. Who knows if you're even that vital? I surely don't. You won't tell me if you are. I won't let you anyway. Just that - I can't ignore you. I'm a believer in these cosmic things. And the cosmos has been planting jokes on me all around the city. But it's good to know that it's less and less. Not as haunting as before. And I know for sure that as September is here, there won't be as many. I've made that decision. So cosmos, you better listen to me now!

Summer's Last

2008-08-31T15:17:00.001-04:00

It's been long enough for me! Four months is too much at first. I didn't know what to do with myself, really. Overall it was a great summaaa. It simmered and sizzled and fizzled at times. All around goodnessz.

It's 3:20pm EST, and I have slept too much and eaten too little. I am home alone, with goals I haven't worked towards. These goals being "A Clean Room" and "Move into C's old room." I just got to do it on my own time, Mom.

I look forward to Fall, and the changes it will bring. I plan to change things. What I can, at least.

Sound the bell
Soon soon soon
The sun has fell
On and under the Earth
We are asleep now
For the season of the sun
Has come and gone
And now
We are to hide
All traces of warmth
Inside our pockets
In our seams
Around our hearts
To keep us during the cold
Streets of people
Taking a last stroll
Hoping not to lose
This freedom that comes
With the season of the sun
And faces of ease
Bodies of please
Find, search for the light
For the heat
As if it is the only
Fuel for our lives
But we forget
That the sun does not leave
But for a while
Away with fret
He will come back again

See you later!

restless

2008-08-28T20:58:00.000-04:00

I asked for change
and it came
Only thing is
Was I ready?

What about you

Were you ready?

Can't say if we were
If, if we are

We are here
Again

If this is where we are again
we should know

Yes yes
Yes
No
No yes
No no

How to decide?

Growing Time

2008-08-28T00:16:00.000-04:00

Mmm I guess it was about time
The seeds were planted long ago: it was about time
The sun had shone expertly,
The rain was called and came sufficiently
Caring vigilance provided
Warm touches surrounded
Encouraging words chanted, resounded
"It's about time"
Before that, "Your time will soon come."
Unearthed and new
Unbirthed and true
Only growth made sense now

Short Story of 55 Words (plus 20)

2008-08-27T23:41:00.001-04:00

This is an exercise we did once in 12th Grade Writer's Craft. Write a short story consisting of only 55 words. You should try it.

Intent on making the evening pleasant, he slipped his arm around her, the umbrella in his other hand already open, shielding them both. "Mademoiselle," he announced.
She looked up at him, unconvinced, somehow knowing there was something he was concealing. She then realized how lost and lonesome he really was. Aware now, "D'accord," she said.

I then added 20 more words to the story - this happens later on in the couple's rainy evening.

Understanding his yearning, she allowed him to embrace her. Knowing it was all she could allow herself to give him.

one minute poetry

2008-08-27T02:31:00.001-04:00

Could I please
Get a word
Maybe just a breath in?

Could you please
Let me
Have a way in?

Would it be
So bad if
I could possibly

Let me
Have me
Just trust me

- Write really fast, and edit quickly too

Au Revoir

2008-08-14T22:38:00.000-04:00

I was thinking of what usually gets me writing lately. Things I dream up, of stories between people, sprinkling bits of truth I know first-hand, second-hand, no-hands. I started writing this in my Starbucks, sitting there after having sat for a while. This is what came out:

I packed up but I
Didn't leave - wasn't easy
Couldn't say why
I found it so hard
Like the top of a skull
Of your head against mine
On pillows soft
Cushioned with ease and comfort
We. Were. Relaxed.
Broken In
Days of simple rest
At rest, no music on
Just breaths
Yours, mine, ours
But as I put away
What was mine
And left alone what was yours
I found it
I found it, I found it
I found it
I found the piece
That held together
You with me
You from me
Me against me
Like a hand upon a mirror
I saw
- and, hear, I'd use all those metaphors about reflections
so cheesy and overused, I'm sure you'd already know -
What I'd been failing to see: Disregard
And in this regard
I say words which whisper farewell
Now the case is closed
And I've packed up better
This time 'round
I'm at the door
Between Here and Away
Steps taken --
Easy

++

I was gonna call this pain

2008-08-14T22:32:00.000-04:00

This will be a "mass post" as VMaltese calls it. The following piece was written 23 March 2008.

There is an Ache - it is in my heart. Underneath it, around it, the discomfort is still there. I write this and I am reminded. I write this and I am not soothed. It is in my chest. I can't breathe it out.

It is a pain that expands, it does not diminish. Only growing to remind me. I have not healed from - well, what have I healed from?

It escapes my body, but it does not leave, it does not leave me. It escapes me and I am satisfied for a moment; then it returns. I can feel it, see it, by my side, in the crowd. A throbbing hurt: pulsing, because it lives.

Living - breathing as it does.

I write this and I am not soothed. Satiation is far away. This ache has no bandage. Patching it up does not mean fixing it up.

It lives. Breathing as I do.

This ache is bondage. I am caught, tangled, bound. A constriction, if you will. It does not let me, it will not allow me, it will not permit me.

3 AM

2008-08-14T22:25:00.000-04:00

I wrote this a while ago: 25 Jan 2008, earlier this year. Tough winter. Hehe...

3 AM

It's 3 am.
What's the point in sleeping?
Could it be that I'll stay up till morning?

Feeling so tired
Can't feel more but this
Slumber away, wake up to exist

Cos I'd sleep now
If only I hadn't dreamed how
I'd wake and be so low.

Wind's so noisy
Can't hear more but this
Won't you come home, dear?

Wouldn't sleep now
Can't close my eyes
Without seeing how

It's 3 am
Can't feel more than this
Wish I hadn't dreamed how
I'd wake and be so low.

'ForeAnythingElse

2008-08-12T21:54:00.000-04:00

Listen first for Truth
She will speak, she will speak
Quiet your voice
As she may come quiet, too
Soften your words
As she is sharp, cutting
Minds will turn
And words will run out
Quiet your voice
Truth always comes

written ~9 Aug 2008

Homebase!

2008-08-12T16:40:00.000-04:00

Think I've got a new "homebase", much like the ND Drama Room was it for me during high school, right now, for now, it's the Kapisanan Philippine Centre for Arts and Culture at 167 Augusta Ave, in Kensington Market.

I am here, freely using a donated MacBook, for my creative mind to be at peace or something...

(And as I type that, what happens but the most recent piece of awkward walks into the room. Hahahahaha. I bet Krystel is laughing at me as she reads this. Anyway, whatever, we say hello. This is turning into a novel of sorts.)

Back to what I was saying. Yes, I do believe I've found the homebase I was missing throughout first year. None of the few libraries I dared venture in offered what I was looking for. I didn't even know then what I wanted.

I think it's this: that I can walk into a space without raising any suspicion as to why I am there. Rather, concern, delight and best interests are what I meet when I walk through the office space doors. I have no problem making my way to the Centre, no struggle passing by when I have nowhere immediate to be. There are times when my feet just take me to 167 Augusta as I walk from work with a friend.

The K is where it's at for me.

to be continued, for sho.

post some prose

2008-08-04T18:26:00.000-04:00

Some prose I had written, on my sister C's arm.

This time she promised him would be the same. Cos truly, why would you ask for DIFFERENT when the first time
When the first time was just so fucking damn -- it was good. They came upon:
Little square doors with large triangle opportunities
Locked barred under green awnings.
Red sunlight invaded cold floors, armed with distant warmth.
Grey skies dotted with puffs of nothing.
But he knew. This time was different.
He had come upon her morning.

No Need

2008-08-04T11:29:00.001-04:00

J'ai fini.
Je ne veux rien de plus.
I'm solid for a reason. This is why. This is why.

J'ai fini
Je ne te veux pas

Je ne jouerai pas la victime,
parce que no one is hurt
Personne n'est blesse

Vas-y
Vas-y!

This is further evidence
Strengthening my point
of View

Does this satisfy
The questions you once had
and the disbeliefs you held

I don't want to write
About you
After this

Je ne desire pas
D'ecrire de toi
De toi

up late / update

2008-05-17T05:38:00.000-04:00

I have a choice.

I want to write. To keep writing. I want to share what it is I know, what it is I find important, what is dire, what is insanely keeping me up at night!

But am I feeling first, then writing as a result? Or writing, resulting in feeling?

Which is it that you craft? Your idea, or your emotion? (Ok so that's a bit dramatic. But one can be ridiculous sometimes.)

Silly to think
The feeling should sink
Away then down
Right. To. The. Bone.

Etched it is
Undone it is not
Marred and deep
Not stopping, still going, down deep deep down down down down deep!

His skin is alight
Caught fire from inside out
You on the outside, you
Watch

As he breathes this rage
As he breathes, this rage
Is fueled by wounds, by words, by worlds before me
As he breathes, before you - watch!

All the air is taken up -
With breath held I wait
Listening
While he plows through his thoughts

Only seeing the black
In the rage of his eye
I am reduced to pray, to plead, then
Pretend it too will pass as I wait, wait, wait, wait

No longer
No longer is there space
In time, in hearts, in minds,
In mine no longer

+BP

qqch to declare

2008-04-26T17:41:00.000-04:00

I am declaring myself done with all which is SHITTY.
So finished with that.
Moving along. Moving on. Moving on over.

+

One more exam and it is fini. I cannot wait. I should be studying, but really, when are you going to catch this one studying? ;)
I think I have found something ... Qqch de nouveau. It's "fantastic".

I am Beezy!

somethin' new

2008-04-18T15:30:00.000-04:00

I've been tired of what's been up lately. So I thought if I did something like start a new blog, I'd feel slightly refreshed.

Alors, it is sunny, and 20 degrees out. The downside? It's exam time. I'm scared, and I can't think straight. I'm just going to be really honest here. I'm quiiiiite nerveuse. If I don't get shit done tomorrow... Ahhhhh!

It's still a cloudy day since I can't enjoy the sunshine.

My eldest sister is vacationing in Cuba and I ... am here. Clouuuudy!